The Lunch

Marc and I went to lunch at the Art Institute today. We sat down with Becca, Rob, and John, the finance guy. They were extremely encouraging and let us know that even if it wasn't able to happen right now, not to get discouraged and to keep in contact. Rob told us stories from his past and how he got to where he is and he gave us some insights into our finances right now. They were able to move around some numbers and lowered the payments substantially, but still not enough. It was a good lunch. I was encouraged and discouraged at the same time and more than a little embarrassed at the amount of times I broke down and cried in front of Becca. I couldn't help it and she didn't seem to mind in the slightest. Apparently she does it all the time. They are going to keep working on some things and we are as well. We will see where it all goes but I am afraid to keep letting myself think it may happen.

Dead End

Today was pretty devastating. I called a couple of the loan places that I applied for personal loans and found that even with a co-signer, I won't be eligible for a loan because of our bankruptcy. My heart sunk. It was hard enough asking for my parents to co-sign but then to not even have that option. It looks like a dead end.

I have been applying for scholarships and grants in every spare moment but the deadline to most have passed because of the time of year, or the deadline isn't for months and I need an award NOW. It's looking pretty grim.

I called Becca to let her know. She said we could make payments to the school but the amount would be around $900/month. We don't have that. Not even CLOSE to that. I'm not sure if we are going to go to the meeting or not at the end of the week. I think I should just so I can meet the people that are high up, so they know me so when I DO get to attend later on, they know how hard I worked, but I know that it will be even harder going there and knowing I can't attend now.

My First Visit to the Art Institute

Today was my first visit to the Art Institute. The previous weekend, Marc (My husband), the kids, and I went down to Ormund Beach to stay with Marc's stepmother and Aunt at their time share. They started talking to us about how they thought that now would be a good time for one of us to go to school. Marc and I talked it over and we agreed. I was thinking in more "practical" terms, and was thinking more along the lines of medical transcription or something along those lines. Marc is actually the one who went online and requested more information from the school.

Becca B. contacted me and we set up the meeting for today. She assured me financial aid was everyone's biggest concern.

I woke up this morning with a dragging feeling. I didn't tell Marc, but I didn't want to go. I didn't see the point. This dream has been buried in me so long that it just seemed like it was something that others got to do. Not me. I knew that thinking like that would make Marc mad, though, so I didn't say anything. We dropped Harmony off at school and headed out. I signed in at the office and we waited.

Becca was warm and friendly from the beginning. It was a flurry of activity from the start as paperwork was began immediately. Things swept along so quickly, I felt my head spinning. Marc left to get Harmony from school while I filled out a FAFSA and personal loan forms. I actually began to get a little excited. Maybe it was really going to happen! Maybe I was going to get to fulfill my dream. Maybe I wasn't going to be just a mom anymore. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, and have loved being a stay at home mom, but sometimes your identity as a person can become lost.)

They asked me to write an essay on why I wanted to attend AI and email it to them that night. At one point, I was left alone in the room and in about five minutes I whipped out my essay. The words flowed onto the page with no effort. I didn't have to think about what sounded good or what I thought they wanted to hear. I wrote the truth. I wrote my heart.

I was almost in tears thinking about finally getting to do what I never thought I would. At least, I didn't think I would have the opportunity until I was old and gray. I let myself think, "I could actually be worth this. Maybe I am going to get to be more than average." Because this, to me, is more than average. Doing what I want to do. That is more than ordinary.

Then came a snag. With us having just had a bankruptcy discharged, I would not be able to get a private loan.

I gulped back my tears as we left. It had seemed so close. My spirits had soared. I was able to taste it. Once I was there at the school, I fell in love with it: the school, the people, the possibilities. Then, like that, they dropped again. Marc could see the look in my eyes.


Tonight, I received a call from Becca. Because of my essay, they want me to come back and meet with more people. They really want to help me attend. I got off the phone with her and called Marc. I lost it. I am already emotionally drained. I know if I want this, I am going to have to fight for it. I don't want to get my hopes up, though.